A LETTER TO THE ONE I LIKE AND COULD LOVE IF HE LET ME AND WHOM I KNOW WOULD LOVE ME IF HE COULD ONLY OPEN UP.

August 20, 2006
C. Pacheco

Brave and Stupid


There’s this love thing again. How could a civilization be so predictable and complicated at the same time?
How could this cliché of the subject of love become commonplace in a society that has risen, pushed through oppressive forces of our earth’s gravitational pull and despite all odds – still land on the moon?
How could the ethereal nature of love be so filled with blinding complexity and binding ropes?

This isn’t like me. My time is usually spent thinking about the sky and looking at the trillions of tiny dots that make up our multi-dimensional real-life moving painting. I think about them and the quantum leaps that happen all around us everyday. I wonder about DNA, perpetual motion, and the science of emotion, spirit and reincarnation. I dig inside of the mud, get dirty and want to discover the bottomless pit.

But love.
I am clueless and without words or language.

The wanting of love and not knowing how to ask for it leaves me the most fearful. It makes me more scared than traveling alone in a wet, thundering mountain in a country below the equator, surrounded by strangers in a lost place.
It is my heart that is bigger than this world. It expounds beyond the literal universe and reaches toward a horizon, poised to land in the incinerating center of the sun.

It is brave and stupid. But isn’t the difference just a transparent, fragile, fine line?

And so I’m here in this place- staring at the dots, creating a play list of music for you as you are probably daydreaming about your happiness, your sadness, what it is that you may want, don’t want, don’t want to admit you want --- amongst your confusion, your breakfast, your laugh, the lowering of your head -------- your sighs.
I can’t help that your exhaled breath finds me like smoke signals.
Wondering about these little pieces, I have a deep desire to touch you and remind you that you are not alone.
Then, I feel crazy --- as if I fell through a wormhole in outer space and the universe of my heart is leading me further away from civilization. There, I become like an animal – reactionary and losing all my reason.



And I don’t care.
Perhaps I have already found this pit – this 8th wonder of the world; deep, dark, mysterious, primordial and unexplainable.

Between all of my deep ponderings and curiosity about our existence, at the end of it all, I want to slow dance with you.
I want to think of nothing. Maybe that is the greatest give that love can bring to me, can bring to you…

Silence.


Inspired by E.